Spider and Chef
by LadybugGirl7068
Summary: The guys are being terrorized by a giant spider... so why are they talking about sandwiches? A funny little oneshot, or at least I hope it is. Enjoy, all the same! T for slight cussing


**Uh... Yeah. Don't ask.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own.**

"Raph. Hey Raph. Raph. Raph. Hey. Raph. Raphie..."

"Mike, I'm reading."

"A magazine doesn't count."

"Ya know, Mike, I like that sound you make when you shut up."

"Oh, come on, you know you love me."

''Shh."

"But I just-"

"Shhhh."

"What did I-"

"Shhhhhh."

"Ok fine, Mr. Shushy Shush."

"Shhh."

Mikey sighed. "Knock knock."

"What."

"You're supposed to say 'Who's there.'"

"Ok."

"Knock knock."

"It's open."

"No, try again. Knock knock."

"Go away."

"No, try again. Knock knock."

"I mean it. Go. Away."

"That's not how the joke works."

"Go away before I hit you so hard your chin goes up your nose."

"... Knock knock."

"That's it."

Mikey screamed, got up and jumped over the back of the couch, an angry Raph close behind.

Leo looked over at his two rowdiest brothers from his spot on the couch. If they kept this up for much longer, one of them would get hurt. Namely, Mikey. The two of them were similar in one way; niether knew when to quit. It didn't help that Donnie had asked for complete silence for that new project... And Master Splinter was out...

Suddenly, an idea came to Leo's mind. _'Perfect,'_ He thought. _'It'll keep them both occupied, as well as making sure no one paid any visits to Doctor Donnie. I'll deal with the consequences later.'_

"Hey Mikey." Interested, Mikey ran over and hid by Leo. Raph caught up and stopped chasing.

"Yeah?"

Leo had to keep himself from smiling. It would make Raph suspicious, which means he wouldn't go along with Mikey later.

"I've got this game I was saving for a special occasion, but seeing how bored you and Raph are, I think now's the perfect time."

Raph raised an eyebrow and cautiously put down his magazine. "What kind of game are we talking about now?"

Leo waved his hand. "I don't know, maybe you just aren't up to the challenge. I'll wait for another day."

Mikey brought out the puppy dog eyes as Raph stood up. He scoffed. "Can't handle it? Who do you think we are? We can take it, can't we Mikey?"

Mikey nodded. "Please Leo? We can take it. What's the game?"

Leo looked around as if to make sure no one was listening. "Ok, fine. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. That includes Donnie, remember he needs silence for that project he's been working on."

Raph rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Now what is it? I haven't got all day."

Leo could see he was losing Raph. Better hurry this up before he walks away, no doubt with Mikey in tow.

He sighed. "Fine. But it'll be challenging, something big around every corner. I've set up a scavenger hunt all around the sewers. The first clue leads you to the next, and so on. The first clue is nearly a mile away, so if you want to be done by dinner..." He let the comment sink in. "April's bringing pizza. You have three hours. I suggest you start now."

Mikey gasped in excitement and danced around Raph, who crossed his arms.

"Come on, Raph, we can do this! Lets go already! Wait, where exactly are we going? Leo?"

Leo panicked inwardly. _'Keep it together.'_

"Oh, just turn left when you leave the lair, then turn left, right, straight, right, left, up, right, right, down, left. Then look for the nearest dead end and look for loose bricks. There, you'll find the second clue, and it'll tell you where to go from there."

Raph narrowed his eyes. Leo made it an effort to not blink. Anything would make his hot-headed brother suspicious, and that was a risk he wasn't willing to take. For everyone's sakes.

Raph looked Leo up and down, trying to find something to show he was lying. Finding nothing, he looked over to Mikey, who was still using the puppy dog eyes, but they were now focused on Raph.

He sighed and let his arms fall to his sides. "Fine. Anything to get out of this place. Come on Mikey, lets go."

Mikey pumped his fists in the air. "Yes! Buried treasure, here we come!"

As his brothers left the lair, Leo felt guilty for sending them out like that. But Donnie did say complete silence, and with the noisy teenagers gone, he would have just that. Besides, it would be nice to watch Space Heroes without anyone making fun of it for once.

He laid back and turned on the TV, unaware of what he had just sent his brothers into.

oooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

"Dun-duh-buh-bruh-dah-da-da-da-daaaa!"

"Shut up, Mikey."

Mikey pouted. "But it's the perfect tune! We can be spies! Ninja spies! ... But don't tell anyone... They could be listening..." His eyes shifted around suspiciously.

Raph rolled his eyes and kept walking. 'Just ignore him, and nobody gets hurt.'

Mikey stopped paying attention to where he was going and began walking backwards, still convinced they were being followed.

Raph came to a fork in the road and slowed to a stop. Mikey, still turned around, bumped into his brother, making him stumble forewards.

Raph regained his footing and turned around to smack Mikey upside the head.

"Mikey! Stop fooling around and help me remember which way we were supposed to go. I shouldv'e written down those instructions..."

Mikey looked down both ways. "Left. He said left."

"Right. Ok."

"No, I said left."

"I know, I just said right as in-"

"Left! I said left!"

"Ok! I got it! Left!"

"Hey, that's what I said! Stop stealing my ideas!"

Raph sighed and turned his back to Mikey, who pounced on Raph the moment he turned around.

"Ack! Mikey! Get off!"

"Raph! Spider! Go!"

Raph grabbed Mikey's arm and flipped him off his back. He landed with an 'oof' and a thud.

"Raaaaphiee what was that for?"

"Kicking me in the shell, that's what. Now where's this little spider you were talking-" Raph turned around to face a spider half his size slowly advancing. "Oh shell that things huge... uh... Mikey, don't move until I say 'run,' then book it down-" He turned back just in time to see Mikey dissapear from view around a corner. "Mikey! Wait for me!"

Raph ran after him with the spider in tow.

"Raph! This way! Hurry!" Mikey waved at his brother from across the rushing sewer water. "You're going to have to jump!"

Raph's eyes widened before they narrowed. He sped up and took a flying leap across the waters, finally coming to land on the other side, out of breath.

The spider stopped with a shriek and ran the other way.

"You ok bro?"

"Fine... Mike. Just.. out of... breath is all. What was that thing? A mutant?"

"I guess. Maybe we should go back and warn the bros."

"Good idea. How do we get back from here?" Raph straightened up.

Mikey bit his lip. "Well, you see, you have to jump across that again or go halfway across the city, but either way the manhole is on that side anyway. They paved over the one that was on this side."

Raph huffed and shook his head. "You have too much time on your hands, little bro."

"Hardy-har-har. Now let's go before that spider comes back. I think I saw it go the other way, so we'll be safe."

Mikey backed against the far wall and jumped off of Raph's back, making it to the other side. Raph took a running start and came to a hard landing on the other side as well.

Mikey pulled him up and they ran down the other tunnel towards their lair.

After a good ten minutes, they both burst in the doors, pushing and shoving one another over the turnstiles.

"Leo!"

"Leoooo!"

Their oldest brother came out of the dojo confused. "What? What is it? Why are you two back so early?"

Raph walked briskly over to his brother with purpose. "I'll tell ya why, Fearless leader," He grabbed Leo by his shoulders and shook him with every word. "There's a big ass spider in the sewers! It chased us and probably followed us back here!"

Leo's eyes widened. "Oh no, Raph! Quick, get the bug spray and fly swatter!" He laughed. "Raph, let me know when you see this giant spider, and don't worry, we'll protect you. Right Mikey?"

Mikey spoke up. "Leo, it's a mutant spider. And it's HUGE. Like, HUUGE. We gotta hide, bro, like, now."

"Not you too, Mikey. Raph, you see what you've done to his overactive imagination?"

Raph took a step forward. "Listen Leo, I'm not making this up. It goes up to my waist. We gotta hide."

Leo stopped, grabbed Raph's shoulders and spun him around to face the spider coming through their entrance. "Too late."

"Yep."

"Run?"

"Let's go."

Mikey reached Donnie's door first and pounded. "Donnie! Donnie! Open up! It's an emergency!"

The sound of locks clicking were heard before the door opened to reveal a very annoyed Donatello. "What is it, Mikey? Did Raph break your door again? How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of-" He saw the spider over Mikey's shoulder. "Nevermind, inside everyone, hurry, quickly, LEO MAKE HASTE!"

Leo ran through the door. "Sorry." He paused. "'Make haste'?"

Donnie face palmed. "You're here, aren't you?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Back to the important issue! Hello? Anyone remember Little Miss Muffet out there? How do we get out of here, Don?" Raph asked.

Donnie made a face. "Eeeh, well, there's only one other way out of here, through the garage."

Mikey started in that direction. "Wait!" Don's voice stopped him.

"What?" Mikey sighed.

"There could be a slight problem..."

Raph sighed. "What problem?"

Donnie twiddled his thumbs. "Well, you see, the ShellRaiser's fine, it's just that there's a big hole in the side."

It was Leo's turn to face palm. "How big?"

"The size of a large rutabega."

"A what?" Raph cut in.

"A rutabega. It's like a turnip, but if you use the right spices-"

"We don't have time for this! We're not here to talk about food! Is it functional or not?" Leo exasperated.

"Well, I suppose, yes."

Leo waved his arm. "Everyone to the van!"

Everyone climbed aboard and got ready to take off into the night. Leo took the wheel and started the van. But before he could hit the gas pedal, a giant spider leg was in the van, ripping apart the side through the rutabega-sized hole.

"I told you it could be a problem!" Donnie yelled.

Mikey screamed and ran, Raph not too far behind. Leo and Donnie stayed behind for only a second before taking off after their brothers.

They all met back in the living room and closed all the doors behind them.

"We're all gonna die!" Mikey wailed.

"I'll never be able to finish my experiments!" Donnie cried.

"Get ahold of yourselves, soldiers! We should be preparing our last meals, not whining about death by spider!" Leo chastized.

Raph rolled his eyes. "Sounds like a meeting of the optimists club."

Mikey raised a finger. "Sandwiches! A fine last meal, if I do say so myself."

Donnie made a face. "Your sandwiches taste like feet."

Raph face palmed.

"They do, Mikey," Leo agreed.

Mikey huffed. "Well maybe if you'd just stick around to find out how I make my sandwiches you'd see why. I happen to think they taste fine."

Leo and Donnie looked at each other. "How do you make your sandwiches?" Leo asked.

"Yeah, and why do they taste like feet?"

Mikey turned up his nose. "You'll just have to watch me next time."

Raph groaned. "Can we get back to the important things, like, oh, I don't know, maybe the GIANT SPIDER HELL BENT ON KILLING US."

Leo waved him off. "Hold on, why do his sandwiches taste like feet?"

Raph hit his head on the nearest wall. "Because he likes the way the mayonaise feels on his toes, can we move on?"

Donnie wrinkled his nose. "Ew."

"Yeah, let's go. Away. From here. Now."

Mikey pretended to be hurt. "I thought you liked my sandwiches, Raph!"

"I fed 'em to Spike, come on."

"Where?" Leo asked.

"Ok, listen. I have had just about enough of-"

"Guys?" Donnie called. "I have good news and bad news."

"What Don? What could possibly be so important?" Raph deadpanned.

"Um, ok, good news, I don't hear the spider, bad news, I don't hear the spider."

They all stopped to listen.

"Huh," said Mikey. "He's right. I don't hear a thing."

Raph snorted. "Well thank you, Captain Obvious."

Mikey saluted. "You're welcome, Lieutenant Sarcastic."

Leo almost screamed when the spider jumped down from the ceiling. Almost. He was too busy unsheathing his katanas and stabbing the creature. The spider made a screeching sound before going limp.

Leo dropped it with his weapons still in it. "Well that was... easy."

Mikey nodded, his mouth hanging open like his brothers'. "Yep. Who wants a sandwich?"

"Nope." Donnie left for his lab.

"I'm good." Raph went back on the couch.

"Thanks, but no thanks." Leo left for the dojo.

Mikey sighed and knelt down next to the dead spider. "I don't suppose you want one either, then?"

The spider didn't respond.

Mikey stood and spun on his heels. "Well, fine, then. More for me." He walked to the kitchen.

The spider twitched and made a coughing sound. "I... Just.. wanted... a hug..." Then it died for realsies.

The End.


End file.
